Necessary Endings - Part Three: Wise, Foolish, Evil.
You can’t deal with everyone in the same way. For most of us, this isn’t brand new information. However, it’s a good reminder that everyone is different, sees the world differently, and has their own agenda in which they operate under. I’m not going to get into the Enneagram, or Myers–Briggs, or the DISC Assessment. (At least, not today.) I want to simplify this so we have a basic ground level that we can continue to build upon.
Wise People. Foolish People. Evil People.
These are behaviors that each of us have. And depending on the situation and the people involved, you may display one of these characteristics. Also, we may interact with, work with, or be in relationships with these types of people. It’s important to understand who you are dealing with, how to deal with them, and the lasting effects they can have on your business, relationships, and future.
Wise People:
Wise people have a sense of emotional awareness and personal development that is learned and built upon through past experiences. They take what didn’t work, or take the feedback from others, and figure out what is right and good to do. Wisdom comes from experiences. Not only can this be from personal experiences, but it can also come from watching and understanding the experiences of others.
”The wise person is open to learn from all experiences and the lessons that it teaches.” (Dr. Cloud)
Dr. Cloud says, “When truth presents itself, the wise person sees the light, takes it in, and makes adjustments.” Wise people take feedback and training positively. They make the necessary corrections (endings) to make improvements and change. Here’s the key: you can have hope with wise people. You can hope they will change, you can hope they will make adjustments, and you can have hope that they will be dependable.
Here are some characteristics of wise people:
They are open to feedback.
They embrace change.
They own their performance and their problems.
They don’t look to place blame on others.
They empathize and express concern when their behavior negatively affects you.
They don’t allow problems to continue into patterns.
Wise people can deserve our trust. We can build partnerships or deep relationships with them. And when we look at our lives in terms of a rosebush, someone who is wise can help us get better and help us achieve our goals.
Foolish People:
Foolish people reject feedback, blame others for what went wrong, and typically don’t do anything to improve themselves. This, in large part, is because most of them already think they are the best they can be. With foolish people, things are never their “fault.” We all know these kinds of people in our work, communities, and in our relationships.
Does this sentence sound familiar…“Well, if they wouldn’t have been late, I could have had the project done.” Or, “If you would only…” Or how about, “It’s not my fault, I did what I was supposed to do.”
The foolish person “adjusts the truth so he (she) does not have to adjust to it.” (Dr. Cloud) These people are incredibly frustrating and most of the time, they are hard to deal with. Here’s some rude truth for you: These are people that need to be trimmed from our rosebush. When we give feedback to these type of people, they don’t listen. Often times they turn the tables on us. At the end of the day, we just want our relationships to work with these people, right? And yet, it usually doesn’t.
Here are some characteristics of a foolish person:
They get defensive.
It’s never their fault and they shift blame to you or others.
They minimize problems. (“It’s not that big of a deal...”)
They shoot back with, “Well you…”
They victimize themselves.
If you try to talk out your problems with a foolish person, it usually doesn’t help. So, what’s the answer…? Stop talking. If you’re in a relationship with a foolish person, or you have a foolish person that reports to you at work, it’s time to put up limits and consequences. It’s time to trim that rosebush. Limits, for you, are “the terms in which you will let yourself deal with the foolish person.” (Dr. Cloud)
Dr. Cloud has some great examples of setting limits. Here are three, one for work and two for relationships:
“Susie, at this point, I have tried to get you to see the issue and change it, and that has not helped. So I have to make sure that at least it is not affecting me [or the team, or the company, or the results, or the family] anymore. I can’t afford to miss another quarter’s numbers because you are unwilling to do what I have asked. So I am taking this responsibility away from you. I have to give it to someone who will do what I need.”
“Sam, I cannot allow myself to continue to be hurt or endangered by your drinking. So the next time it happens, I will leave the event or the house and go somewhere where I am not affected by it.”
“Keith, your anger is hurtful to me, and I can’t allow myself to be yelled at anymore, so the next time it happens, I will leave.”
Did you see that! They set limits that were easy to understand. Here are a few examples of consequences:
“Bill, we have had several discussions about your performance, and nothing is changing, so I am going to have to remove you from your position.”
“Dave, I want to live in a sober house, and since you have chosen to not do anything about your addiction, I won’t be living with you anymore until you get treatment and get sober.”
“Barbara, I wish that I could continue to have you as a client, but I have talked to you about the problems that make this difficult for me. Since you have chosen to not change those issues, I can no longer do work for you. If something changes, feel free to let me know.”
You can see how these consequences are direct and refer back to the problem. It provides clarity to the foolish person. This is a healthy way of setting up consequences. By taking action, you actually might create the change you desire from them. Remember, talking about it doesn’t work! Usually, the foolish person will change once the behavior “begins to cost them something.” Foolish relationships need to be ended in your life. Start setting up limits and consequences for these people. Watch how free your life will begin to feel!
Evil People:
Here’s the important thing to remember when dealing with evil people, you have to go into “protection mode, not helping mode.” I have had the privilege of learning this the very hard way. Unfortunately, there are people who will and/or want to hurt you. They want to destroy you, your relationships, your company, or your success. Evil people enjoy watching successful people (You) fail. They are incredibly divisive. They gossip. They backstab. They are the people we need to end relationships with right now! I’m sure you had that one person pop-up in your head right away. I did. Dr. Cloud says to not “…hold out false hope for evil people. They won’t change.” I don’t need to go on…you get the point. End these relationships quickly. They don’t deserve you or your trust. You don’t deserve them.
It’s hard…but there’s hope…
I know this was long, but it’s incredibly important. As you begin to look at how your rosebush takes shape, you also need to look at the people around you. Which ones deserve your trust? Which ones need a change in behavior or they will get a consequence? Which ones need to be completely cut off?
This is a small part of a larger discussion. (I didn’t even get into the types of people you should surround yourself with and those who you should avoid. We’ll do that one soon.) I know that in these relationships, there is often love, affection, and maybe a deep-rooted history.
For now, take a moment and think about the people you lead, or those you are in relationships with. Now think about how you want your rosebush to look like. Who fits into that? Who doesn’t?
I’ll end with this; may you have the knowledge and wisdom to make decisions about the people that directly affect your life. May you have the courage to make necessary endings that, honestly, will be so damn hard to do. Tears will fall. There will be a time to mourn and to grieve. But may you also know that there is hope and light on the other side. Run for the light. The reward is a life that is full, abundant, and worth living.
Grace and Peace, my friends.
VM
